I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
