Im at strip club and am horny
you guys were way drunker than both of me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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