My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
