I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
