my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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