Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
