you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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