I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
