that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
