we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
