her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I could make wine with my vomit
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Less talking, more tequila
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
