sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
