I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
