So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
