They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
