I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
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