So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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