Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
