i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
