just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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