Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
