he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
