You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
