You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
