the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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