If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
