its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
