There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
