You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
