Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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