New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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