Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
