i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
