she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
