It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
