I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
