The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
