My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
