my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
