Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
