You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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