Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
