girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
