Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
