when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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