Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
