Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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