He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
