you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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