What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
