your thong is hanging out like whoa
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
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